What can I say? Every time I think I’ve faced the worst of it, something crazier happens and then more of me realised just how resilient a human-being can be.
You see, over the last few months, I haven’t had the easiest time, even with all my ‘lessons’ and perspective on life. Once again, I got hospitalised in October because lo and behold, it’s winter, and unsurprisingly, this is a vulnerable period for those with chronic illnesses. Prior to that, for the first time, I’d been experiencing a form of depression and anxiety at its deepest levels, to the point where I was overthinking, all day, every day, too paralysed to move and having panic attacks about going out in public. It was like this for two months.
Anyone that knows me, recognises this is not a ‘me thing to do’. I think I’d just got to the point where I was fed up, sick of ‘fighting’ the constant ailments, tired of how easy it was for me to get ill, experiencing both physical and emotional pain like never before. The low energy was making me tired and I was in a vicious cycle of self-loathing, constant criticism and hated not having a ‘normal’ life. I kept telling myself I wasn’t out there living life, missed out on career opportunities, couldn’t travel much, hadn’t socialised for months and I had severe cabin fever. Almost every individual has some form of seasonal affective disorder (SAD), especially in winter periods, and with a chronic condition, its like that x 100.
And what I didn’t expect was to be put on a feeding tube for 3 months, this was the icing on the cake. And I couldn’t stop crying, every single day. Every ounce of pain I could feel, from the weak body, swollen throat, struggles at swallowing about 20 pills day, the emotional prison I’d created for myself thinking I’d be destined to this ‘low’ quality of life forever. I couldn’t even talk much to my own family, was silent, wanted to sleep and not wake up. That’s how severe it was. I didn’t think I’d be ending 2018 like this, especially after the year I’d already had.
But as always, it gave me ample opportunity to read lots and lots, get counselling sessions, work through my emotions and as they say, once you hit rock bottom, you have no where else to go but up. So I wanted to share my views and things that you can do, to lift yourself out of what seem like the darkest periods in your life ever. Plus an awesome reading list, that will help you get there.
Continue reading “How to still kick-ass, even with a chronic condition”